i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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