In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
