apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
