I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
