ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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