I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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