Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
