Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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