Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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