saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
