i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
