mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
