Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
