Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
