Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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