someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
