i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
