So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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