Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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