That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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