I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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