I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
