It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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