omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
