I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
