She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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