I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
