you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
