i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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