This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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