I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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