So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
