I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
