oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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