Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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