It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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