May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
