Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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