I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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