I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
