I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
