the condom got lost in my hair
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
