well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think your dad took our porno
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
