so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Randomize
