Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
