Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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