Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
