you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
