Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
