Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
