Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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