You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Are we still banned from the library?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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