Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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