Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Sponge bath it is.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
