Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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