I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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